Birdology II
On our way to run errands, we passed a parked car and heard
splashing. A look down revealed a host of house sparrows
bathing themselves in a convenient puddle—an unexpected
beginning to a warm fall morning.
Sometimes we don’t know what awaits us. How suddenly, on a
random day of puddle splashing, there is also a feeling of
bereftness that cannot be contained. A highway pile-up of grief.
When I woke up one morning to find the family dog—my dog—
had been given to a farmer, no goodbyes. The young man who
got electrocuted in our backyard after his hedge cutters hit the
arc of a high-voltage line. My father’s skeletal face as he moved
towards death, unconscious in a palliative ward. How my mother
-in-law lost her speech after dementia took its final hold. And
now, how my father-in-law is a prisoner in his hospital bed,
awaiting diagnosis as death’s beacon is bright. And as my
mother gives in and says a care home is the only next step—a
place of antiseptic loneliness, its dotted line the one I sign on.
I am overcome by the anchor of loss, rooted somewhere in my
pelvis, my body wracked with a melancholy for what I cannot
change, for what is normal, for what is the cycle of life. I am not
unique, this is not unique. As my father-in-law said today, we all
begin and end in the same way: it is the middle that makes a life.
And the wisdom of a faraway Dutch cousin: live slow, for we will
all get there eventually.
There was nothing weighing down the sparrows in their puddle,
no sadness that I could discern. They flapped their wings,
flicking the water off their little bodies. And dove in again.
Excerpt from Birdology published by Cactus Press, copyright © 2025 by Carolyne Van Der Meer.
Birdology (Cactus Press, May 2025) by Carolyne Van Der Meer is a tender collection of poems and essays moves through what she calls the “spell of grief,” accompanied by flocks of gulls, house sparrows and rock pigeons. I’d love for you to consider this chapbook for review.
Birdology is an exploration of loss of memory, of autonomy—and ultimately of the loved ones themselves. Against a backdrop of urban and natural environments filled with everyday birds, she considers how our relationships with our parents evolve as they age, need us more—and eventually leave us. Through a quintet of flash essays and a handful of poems, Van Der Meer gently dissects the layers of emotion in grief with the delicacy of a feather.
About Carolyne Van Der Meer:
Carolyne Van Der Meer is a Montreal journalist, public relations professional and university lecturer. Her articles, essays, short stories and poems have been published internationally. Her five published books are: Motherlode: A Mosaic of Dutch Wartime Experience (WLUP, 2014); Journeywoman (Inanna, 2017); Heart of Goodness: The Life of Marguerite Bourgeoys in 30 Poems | Du Coeur à l’âme : La vie de Marguerite Bourgeoys en 30 poèmes (Guernica Editions, 2020); Sensorial (Inanna, 2022) and All This As I Stand By (Ekstasis Editions, 2024). Chapbook publications include One Week’s Worth but a Lifetime More (Local Gems Press, 2022) and Broken Pieces: Hospital Experiences (2023); Birdology is forthcoming from Cactus Press in May 2025.